I finally found one at the Brown Elephant:

Oggi TP Holder – $6

I have been looking for one for a few weeks, and kept my eye out at the Brown Elephant, on Craigslist, and even at TJ Maxx because it felt dire that I’d be able to find one second-hand. I nearly bought one at TJ Maxx, but ditched it while in line (kept only my 2 new pillows I was buying; not sure if I’m up for not-new pillows at this point).

Sticker on the bottom says it was $19.99 at Bed Bath and Beyond.

This item was an illustration of ‘ask and ye shall receive,’ but, you know, with the Brown Elephant as my deity. I just wished really hard for a toilet paper holder, and then I simply made 7 separate trips there, and boom! done!